Jack of Hearts: Juicy Lyrics: Because Gay Rappers Don't Represent

It's sad how closeted the fatal music scene seems to be. It's quite evident to flush the untrained eye that several of the big-selling 'urban' artists in the charts right now, men and women, are gay. But rather than help along people like them who don't have electric gates and security guards, they choose to continue selling a lie, and so consequently, a lot of 'urban' (pop) music is starting to sound very empty.

I love R'n'B and rap, but because it's all written for womanizing straight men and acidic man-hating women, I feel myself re-categorising and gender inverting the lyrics myself in my head. It goes so far to the degree that I leave the original lyrics and get irritated when I am reminded of them and they collide with my own little bubble.

Notorious B.I.G, Jay-Z, Ol' Dirty Bastard (and perhaps Nelly) are my favourite rappers. They each take a profound and round to their part that is alone to them, both musical and weighted. They also each feature their own preference to rhyming structure and form. A gifted wrapper is a poet, a spoken word artist, and even Dizzee Rascal can be credited as such, but by and large - most chart rap is absolute manufactured trash.

Below are my alternative gay lyrics to Biggy Smalls' hit Juicy. I look quite shy sharing them, despite the fact that they're deliberately tongue-in-cheek and farcical. It's not meant to be rapped in a look that mimics Biggie's voice, but more preferably a camp Yorkshire accent, preferably with one pass on a hip and a generous dollop of eye-rolls.

Of course Notorious wasn't gay, he was the complete opposite - a womanizing mysogynist some say. These lyrics are in no way disrespectful of his legacy, it's hardly a bit of fun. If you fancy penning your own gayternative to a rap classic then please do share the connection below!

Now if you need to check my Juicy to the master then I recommend opening up the master on YouTube (Search Notorious - Juicy), and so when you get good - "rapaoke" if yourself over

the instrumental version perhaps.

JUICY - by JC Superstar

Fuck all you `phobes. Get a grip fatherfucker.

Yeah, this album is consecrated to all the teachers that told me I'd never mount a muffin, to all the multitude that lived above the buildings that I was gossiping in face of that called the law on me when I was just tryin' to contribute feedback on how to do their daughters, and all the Nadines in the struggle, you love what I'm sayin'?

Uh-ha, it's all good baby bay-bee, uh

Verse One:

It was all a dream, I used to read QX magazine, Billie Piper and Alice Deejay up in the limousine, Hangin' Robbie on my wall , Every Saturday Camp Attack, Tranny Shack, my bedroom had a mirror ball. I watched ass rock 'til my cherry popped, Hating white and Typhoo, suckin' on individual school cock , Way back, when I had the red and black Minnie Mouse rucksack With the hat to match , Remember kissing Luke, woo-ha, woo-ha, I never thinking that his butt would drive me that far, Now I'm in the limelight 'cause I sit tight , Time to get laid, sell some homemade marmalade , Born sinner, the reverse of Michael Winner , Remember when I used to sing Javine before dinner , Peace to Fergie, Tommy C, Marlon B , Spunkmaster Pecs, Bum love Starsky , I'm blowin' off like you thought I would , Another cock, same number, same hood , It's all good

Uh, and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah, uh

Chorus:

You love very well who you are, Don't let them carry you back, reach for his arse, You had a go, and it felt insane, You're not the just one who likes it safe and plenty,

Verse Two:

I made the shift from a slip brief, To wearing lam jock straps on Whitby beach , And I'm far from cheap, I play P!nk in my jeep all day, Spread spunk, it's the Yorkshire way , The Moet and Alisha`s Attic keep me bitchy, Girls used to insult me , Now they write letters 'cause I`m sissy , I never thinking it could happen, this faggin' stuff , I was too used to fearing' tits and muff , Now hunks hold me conclude in a buttocks spit roast , Behind Mr. Whippy down on the e coast , Nandos with queens, Soho for weeks , Sold out seats to hear Stephen Fry speak , Livin' life without fear , Pushin' five carrots in my neighbour`s rear. Lunches, PR brunches, interviews by the pool , Considered a fool 'have I slept around high school

Stereotypes of a gay male misunderstood And it's still all good

Uh.and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah

Chorus:

You love very well who you are, Don't let them carry you back, reach for his arse, You had a go, and it felt insane, You're not the just one who likes it safe and plenty,

Verse Three:

Thunderbirds Are Go, tapes of Genesis , When I didn`t fuck blokes, man I couldn't see this , 50 inch dreams on a green leather sofa , Got two rides, a limousine with a coiffeur , Phone Bill when the cava`s gone flat , No want to hurry, bumming in an accountant`s flat, And my hole screw is poundin` , Celebratin' every day, no more public browsin' , Thinkin' back on my one-night shags , Now my Mum pimps a Matalan fleece on her back , And she loves to prove me off, of course , Smiles every time my throat is cummed-up and hoarse , We used to bother when the Newsagent dissed us , "No Heat?" Wonder why All I Wish For Christmas missed us? , Birthdays was the worst days , Now I suck Sam`s mate when I`m thirst-ay , Uh, damn right I wish the spirit I live , Jus` don`t go from minus to positive , And it's all... ,

(It's all good)

...and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah, uh Uh, uh.and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah Uh.and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah, uh

Representin' G-Town in the house, Gay Mafia, Billie Piper, uh, uh yeah a-ight.